The Things I'll Never Say
by EverReader
Summary: What Maria was really thinking the one time she chose to remain silent. The night Michale told her he was leaving.


A/N: I'm a die-hard candy fan until the end. I often feel like they as a couple are misunderstood. They are often simply characterized as two bickering teenagers who are both melodramatic and immature. However, I've always felt like the most defining moments of their relationship were often those of few words. This is a one shot, which may eventually be taken down as I get to that point in the storyline in my other story, Through The Silvered Glass. Yes, to my readers, I am still working on it, a lot of life changes have slowed things down, but slowly the next chapter is coming along, bear with me. So, this is my take on what Maria is thinking on that fateful day.

P.S., the title is from a song by the same name by Avril Lavigne

Disclaimer: The conjecture is mine, not the characters.

**Things I'll Never Say…**

You're breaking my heart.

How can you just leave me after we just made love? Didn't that mean anything to you? Don't I?

How could you make love to me, knowing you were going to do this?

For a year and a half, you have been my every waking moment. You need me, I'm there. You need me to go away; I do, until you want me back. I push you when you need to be pushed, I see you, not past your imperfections, but with them. I'm so mad I want to scream at you and hit you and throw things, deep down inside I am screaming and crying because you, like every other man I've ever cared for, are leaving. How could you?

How can you leave me? Aren't I enough for you? I've been every kind of loyal there is, you know.

And what about the psycho aliens running around? Huh? Just what are Liz, Kyle and I supposed to do about them? And the FBI. Do you really think everyone's gonna be happy that you four are jetting off in the most powerful piece of Alien Technology in the universe? Because the dupes, and the skins are just gonna be thrilled, I'm sure. Do you really think they are just gonna leave us alone? Cause they seem real forgiving to me. What if the gandarium comes back? Or some other crazy stuff we don't even know about? You all are just leaving us here to deal with it. To clean up your mess.

They killed Alex. _Alex_. My best friend. The sweetest, most caring and understanding person in the world. If they'll hurt Alex, they'll hurt anyone. Don't you care? What if they hurt us? What if they hurt me? Don't you care, or is it all just about your precious Antar?

In case you didn't notice, you four didn't do such a hot job the first time around. (Please note, you...Uhh…like, DIED) Like I said. Not so hot. How are you going to do any better when you don't know the culture, the history, the language, the planet? You don't look like them; you probably don't act like them. You have no real world (that world, anyway) experience. Just how do you think that's gonna work, exactly?

You're half Antarian. You don't fit in here (you think.) I get it. But you're also half human, what makes you think you'll fit in there?

You're gonna miss me every waking second. I know this, because when Liz kissed Max, she saw stars and planets, she saw Antar.

When I kissed you, I saw your home, too.

I saw myself.

But I can't say it, because you'll never believe it if you hear it. You have to find out for yourself. I could beg and cry, and I could make you stay. Deep down, we both know I could. Especially after what just happened. And maybe that's why you did it. Really, it's the perfect excuse for me to make you stay, and you to let me. It's the perfect way to not have to make the decision, that final step. Because deep down, you already know everything I'm thinking, because you've thought it all too.

It's just too scary, admitting that your dreams changed when you weren't even looking. That instead of blowing off everything and everyone here, you might actually choose to stay, to put some part of yourself on the line and see what happens.

So, yeah. I could say all this, hell; even a fraction of it would do the trick. Either it would guilt you into staying, or piss you off so much that you would feel justified in leaving. Either way, it would be all on me. Because I said those words, all those words that have laid between us for a year and a half like half sunken land mines. I can feel your tension, how you've held your breath waiting for the tears, the recriminations.

But you should know me better than that. The one thing you should know by now is that I am an expert at being walked away from. At being left. I can smile as I die a little inside.

I won't make this decision for you. I won't make you face your demons or your dreams. I won't take it away from you, because if I did, you'd only end up hating me.

And I love you. I love you enough to let you leave me, even though I know it's the wrong choice. Because you have to see it for yourself, or it would slowly poison you, us.

God, Michael. I love you so much I can't breathe sometimes. Losing Alex was like dying inside. This might destroy me. But taking that chance, that choice, away from you would destroy you.

So there never really was any other option for me. These are the things I'll never say.


End file.
